On The Days My Heart is Weary and Wanders

Happy New Year Friends. I hope 2021 is a great year for your family.

It seems I deactivated Facebook just in time and took a social media break at a great time to put myself in a solid time out.

The truth is that being an empath is hard and currently the state of the world isn’t my current struggle but the struggle within the four walls of our home.

Our son has recently started having significant struggles at school when it comes to school work, staying on task, confidence, reading and writing skills, and now the battle to actually go to school and do homework feels as if it takes all of the energy we have here at home.

I try to stay positive. We hired a tutor. We cleaned up our fridge trying to provide mostly healthy options at home. We limit screen time. We spend so much time together as a family trying to pour into ourselves and our littles cup so they know they are loved and school is just one part of our existence not who you are.

We got two weeks off for Christmas Break and it truly felt right, easy, bonding, and whole.

I returned to work Wednesday discovering that it was more soul crushing than ever as overturn is high and we are now extremely short staffed. The kids returned to school this week. I received two calls after being in session for three days. One of hope that they are starting the screening process to get a better look at what is going on for our kiddo. The second call was my son in the nurse’s office stating his tummy hurt and his legs hurt (and he wanted to come home).

Later at home.. the break down. Tears, awful self-talk spoken for such a little dude, and just helplessness. We talked through it. We hugged. We lit it be knowing this is not a battle that can be solved in a day.

He gets a snack and plays with legos and comes alive again. He ask me why he has to go to school if he wants to someday live in the wild. He asks me why he can’t learn about things he likes. I try to tell him that when he is older and in high school he can choose courses that more interest him and so too in college if he chooses to go that direction. I tell him that this school thing is just a small part of his journey.

He continues to play with legos – effortlessly making structures- effortlessly being himself grounded in his imagination and tranquility.

I make a couple calls and then I let him be.

Then I start to go down the dark side of my imagination and am totally consumed with what life might look like if _____________ (insert whatever) happened or came true.

What if we sold the house? What if we bought a small plot of land near the lake? What if we lived in an RV for a couple years while we built a shop house debt free? What if after semester we pulled the kids out and homeschooled to better teach to their interest, skill set, and hinderance (dyslexia and attention struggles). What if I quit my job and blogged and videod stories of our new life being off the grid? What if our classroom consisted of walking, hiking, and discovering along the shore where our kids have always been in their element?

What if they slept till they needed to and learned how and when they were ready too?

What if I made all our own healthy food saving money and we lived farm to table?

What if we were able to pack up on the weekends free to travel anywhere?

What if hubby could take a job anywhere and we followed him there (of course somewhere warmer)?

I could go on. My brain and imagination can always go on. My brain was consumed with all the possible magic and dreams. I married a practical man, and although I asked him to be open minded when I brought up all this when he got home. I think the things that come after ‘so I have an idea…’ still scare him, and I can see why.

There were a couple things he said he liked and many he didn’t. He tried to encourage me how we could incorporate some of these principals on the weekends and evenings.

But (for now) the show must go on. A little of piece of my imagination, curiosity, and sparkle die a bit every time I am reminded that things that are sometimes safer, practical, the ‘norm’, institutional, and adulting are generally the route our paths go.

This is temporary. This too shall pass. We will figure this out.

I am taking the day to pour into my weary and wandering heart.

Love

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