Last night as I went to sleep there was a wave of worry that flooded over me. You see our son has been struggling at school with his works esp reading and writing to the point of non passing test and having a below grade reading level. We start getting outside services this week to help him in school and a potentially a work up that will que us in on if he does have a learning disability such as dyslexia. After this point we will then go to whatever next step is after that.
The mornings have been a little brutal on the days he fights to go, says his tummy hurts, begs to not go. Every time I try to take deep breaths with him, educate him on how his tummy could be his worry bug also known as anxiety, and every single time I pray that the next ten grades are not like this. He is such a smart kid- constantly asking questions gaining knowledge. When something he comes up to be hard his first choice usually is to give up. I see this in him. I see it in me. I see it in all of us.
When I tucked him in last night he asked me why they even invented school. He asked me why some of the things that seemed so difficult for him were so easy for others. Comparison. I see this in him. I see it in me. I see it in all of us.
Weekends are our reprieve. They are two days of little fights that have to deal with school or school work.
I don’t want us and him to live for the weekend though. I don’t want him to spend his whole life thinking the next one will always be better than the one we find ourselves in. I see this in him. I see it in me. I see it in all of us.
Sometimes I know with every ounce of my being that I am the best thing for these littles. Sometimes I know the next right thing to do. Sometimes I have the right words of encouragement to say. Sometimes I rock it. I see this in him. I see this in me. I see this in us.
..and sometimes I have no fucking clue. Period. I have no clue what to do or if I can even do anything. Sometimes I have no answers for their hard questions. Sometimes I have no encouraging prompts because I am fighting to hold it together while my heart breaks for them. I know my job isn’t to solve all their problems or fix all their issues- but I so want too. Sometimes he looks up at me with that ‘okay Mom, what do we do?’ look and I want to turn around and ask someone behind me the same question. I see it in him. I see it in me. I see it in us.
It wont always feel this hard. However, when you are in the moment sometimes it’s hard to remember this. I pray for answers this week. I pray that he has a great week and mornings run smoothly. I pray that he doesn’t loose the love of learning despite it being hard at times. I pray that I am able to offer what these babies need from me.
Hang in there momma. Even on the days you question, even on the days you don’t know how you will make it through- never forget that you are capable and exactly what those littles need. Even if you don’t know how to best help them or where to start. I see you. I see me. We are both doing great even on the days we feel that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Until Next Time