There is a constant swaying in my heart, maybe you feel this too. I want to experience all the fullness of life and be all in- and I let myself be out there exposed in all my vulnerability and susceptible to every little high and low and somedays mostly on the lower side- it nearly breaks me. Feeling pain to the point of out of self deprivation I remove myself temporarily from the situation until I am calm and refueled enough to go back in.
This is what social media does to me. Full Stop. That is what booze did to me until I gave it up for good. That is what being married to a wonderful man does to me on the harder days unseen and unposted in a relationship. That is what being a mom does to me when my kids are struggling. That is what having big dreams and big goals but responsibilities and everyday dull duties like everyone else (on that thought let me go switch the laundry).
It’s been a hard couple weeks in parenting resulting in a hard couple conversations had between two people who love their children and love each other but sometimes communication misfires resulting in harsh feeling and work to be done to get back to each other. I made the decision to step away from social media for a while to focus on the view inside my home. I took a step back from writing to focus what was inside my heart.
I just recently finished writing a book. The next step would be to have someone edit it. This step is also unfamiliar and the first second I came against pushback or a hurdle my old ways set in and I thought okay time to go back into my safe hole where it’s warm and no one ask anything big of me. I did my part after all if it doesn’t work out- oh well I tried right? My husband being the amazing man he is.. reached out to gather some of this information for me not wanting to let the dream inside me die. I love him for that. I married him for that.
You see- I believe we all were dipped in sparkle, glitter, and wonderfulness (stay with me) and as we walk through life sometimes some of that shakes off, Maybe when you feel forced to grow up, get a high paying but high stressed job, when you have duties as a momma and a wife, and all the adulting in between. Please don’t get me wrong- these things are wonderful. However, the mundane in and out, the schedules here, the homework there, and the running to get through the day shakes the sparkle and glitter off piece by piece of us all if we aren’t careful.
Unless you hold on to some of that sparkle for yourself and are deliberate about keeping it and making sure it’s shine does not fade it will slowly wither away until you call it back someday.
Keeping and restoring it looks like play.
It looks like doing something with no agenda.
It looks like loosing yourself in something you love. It looks like going after a dream even if it’s incredibly difficult and incredibly likely you will have more failures than successes. That is how you get your sparkle back- piece by piece.
I pride myself as a woman who wants to keep all the sparkle- who wants to go to the grave shining so stinking bright- but to be honest this last couple weeks between crazy busy (unfulfilling) work, a continuing pandemic, continuing racial divide, hate spewed, lives lost, household duties, my son struggling at school and fighting to go, and my husband and I really having to work to get along through it- I had forgotten about my sparkle. It was the first thing that left and it did so quietly before I could argue with it too to stay.
But I’m here now- and so are you. I’m here now wanting nothing more but to bath and be covered up in glitter. So here I go writing these words that I loose all track of time in writing. Here I go restoring play in my heart and in my home. Here I go set back up and going again after a dream. Here I go chasing magical moments that check off zero boxes of my ‘get shit done’ sheet. I needed the rest and reprieve. More importantly I needed the reminder that there is a girl covered in wonder, marvels, and glitter beneath the busyness of my life. It is beneath the task and weighed down with the trivial but really I never can loose it forever if I just simply try to call it back, if I try to call her back.
So this is me calling it back. This is me rescuing myself- from myself. Maybe you needed this reminder. Maybe you need a reset. Maybe you need to remember who the fuck you are and to dust your magical unicorn self off and get back up sister or brother. I forgot, but I’m back. I hope this is your reminder if you forgot too- to be welcomed back to yourself. I see you. You are enough just as you are. We got this.
Until Next Time