Good Morning Beautiful People.
It’s fall – and I’m here for this fall weather!
I wanted to write this particular post today..
However, to be honest: I’m not sure really where to start..
So I guess I’ll start at the beginning: I married this man 7 1/2 years ago.
and within the year of us saying our ‘in sickness and in health’ vows… the sickness came.
It didn’t come overnight.
First it was fatigue, then the rotating joint pain started, then pain in his stomach, next the brain fog showed up… and slowly overtime- this thirty one year old would go from doctor to doctor- be prescribed pill after different pill- be misdiagnosed and undiagnosed- all the while only getting sicker– and in the years that would follow we would bring two babies to earth, move, start new jobs, and have the fight of our lives spending TENS of THOUSANDS out of pocket, taking 88 pills at his highest, multiple surgeries, multiple treatment plans, and multiple times this journey with Lyme Disease and Co Infections felt hopeless.
Yesterday our Lyme Doctor told my husband: ‘Well this will be your last protocol and I think you will be done with treatment.’
For the past 6+ years of our lives- all we have known is being in treatment, following protocols, inching up a hill that most days seemed insurmountable, booking the appts, taking the pills— and a sentence was spoke yesterday that had the word ‘last’ and ‘done’ in it.
We have tried very hard to not put our lives on hold- but certainly there have been times in this journey where my husband could not physically show up the way he wanted as a husband, as a parent, and showing up for his life– because he was too busy trying to survive it- trying to make it to another day- where he would repeat the whole regiment again.
There have been some of the darkest moments in this journey. I have had to sit with a man that was unrecognizable – who wanted to give up- it’s not that he had lost the will to live- he had lost the will and strength to fight- he did not want to die- but at the same time he wasn’t living either he was surviving. Witnessing the difference between the two was the most soul crushing thing I’ve experience thus far in my life.
Recently, we participated in a Lyme 5k near us- we had a team filled with some of my husbands fellow lymeis and his ultimate biggest support group- people who knew this fight- for your body to be at war with itself on the inside-all the while you look physically fine on the outside- and the outside- is all an outsider sees.
The night before the race- my husband and I went to dinner and sat across from each other with tears in our eyes– because even though we are yet to be done and declared in ‘Remission’ we made it to the point where we were living again– his health was not deciding how and if he got to participate – yes there will be some days that he isn’t feeling 100% but through this journey you learn: you know how worse things can be and you know you can do hard things.
This storm had devastated our lives, rocked our world, and forever changed our path.
And as we sat talking– I said words I’m not sure if you should say ‘I’m grateful for it in a way.’
to which he replied ‘Me too- a little’
That may sound crass after spending the last 6 years of our lives fighting this fucking beast of a disease: but as Tony Robbins said once-
‘If you are going to blame people/things/events for all the shit, then you better blame them for all the good too’.
I now have my husband back- but this storm (Lyme Disease) broke him down physically, emotionally, mentally to nearly rock bottom- but at rock bottom was the foundation he rebuilt his life and transformed EVERYTHING from the ground up.
My husband has lost and kept off 60 lbs along this journey- through dedication and determination to give his body food that fuel his body and fights his disease- not feeds it.
My husband practices self care: not the facials, spa days, bath bomb (nothing wrong with that I’m here for it)- but meaning he loves his self FIRST and he loves himself MOST- so he will now say ‘No’ if he doesn’t want to do something or can’t- he listens to his body if it needs to move, connect, or rest. That is self care- and it is not unmanly to practice that: it is the best thing you can do for yourself as a man, as a father, as a husband, and as someone who wants to show up for there life.
My husband who once had a very fixed mindset- pursues growth every stinking day- whether that is reading a book one night vs watching tv- or tapping into identifying why he is stressed, anxious, fearful, or whatever feeling that is normal and part of the human experience- even goodness forbid a strong mans experience.
It has taught us how precious life is. How fleeting it can be- and to never take anything for granted- especially your health.
I can without a doubt say my husband is the strongest man I know- I have seen him at some of the weakest moments life through his way- but he endured it- with very little ‘poor me, why me’- he is about to surmount this once seemingly insurmountable mountain and I am just in awe of the version of himself he is rising to be.
I got my husband back- and then some.
It’s a true testament to remember that everything is happening ‘for you’ not ‘too you’.
I love you Lukey Poo Poo- You will forever be my partner in Lyme & in Crime!
-That’s all until next time.